New MoonWithout Edward
by Yuna888
Summary: After Edward has left Bella, she is left in a depression state in her life without him. This is how I see Bella and the pain she felt. Enjoy.


Edward Gone

By: Stephanie M

*After Edward's departure, Myers writes her own version of how Bella acts and feels in the story, but I decided to change that up with my own version. She's not so much calmer as Myers portrays her in "New Moon", so this is my version of how Bella feels. I will include Edward's point of view, but let us not rush things, okay?*

Warning: Dark themes

_Months after Edward left....._

Everyone was reassuring me that it was going to be okay. Everyone who wasn't my dad was telling me about the same thing over and over again each day to get out from the bed and do something. Hmm...I just couldn't seem to do that at all. It all didn't seem real. It just not possible for me to think he would leave me. But I'm so silly to think that he actually loved me as much as I had loved him. Maybe I was way in over my head. But no, I didn't believe it at all. I thought about it, but it would never stick in my mind. It didn't matter one bit though. He was gone, he just.....left. How on earth would a feeble, pathetic human as I could ever keep a man like him? I wasn't strong enough or even beautiful enough to have him. I didn't deserve him....and I knew that all along.

Damn it, I screamed in my mind. Here I lay, in my bed, unable to get up; it was hard enough for me to breathe. My chest ached, my eyes were blurry, and just about everything in the else disappeared. I stared out the window which he came in, but that only made me sink into an even deeper depression. It was dark in this room, best that I kept it that way. If I had a broken heart, surely I would be drowning in my own blood, a reason enough why I felt like chocking. The pain was unbearable beyond words, but it was worse for me to just lay and constantly think of..._him_.

Hours at a time, Charlie would knock on the door and check on me, asking me if I would want anything. But he knew I would just never respond and it was so selfish of me to have to put so much pain on him as well. His only daughter was laying on the bed, practically dead over the man that just...never wanted her. When he would leave, it was almost unnoticed. I could hear voices down stairs, a couple of my friends that wanted to check up on me, or maybe a therapist whom I refused to talk with. Charlie could no longer help me with anything. He would simply lay out a tray of food on the floor, all in hopes that just maybe I wouldn't die of starvation.

I laughed to myself at how utterly, disgusted I was with myself. I was pathetic and how it was just so like any other teenager to react in this way to just lay in bed and cry. The thing was, it was just physically impossible to do that. If I were to swing my feet over the bed, well, I feared I would just fall apart again and collapse. But I had to pack up the courage and at least make my own father happy without him having to suffer through this as well, so when I slowly threw one leg after the other over the bed, I stood up from my bed to notice the bright light under the door and footsteps that were just paused right in front of it, just standing there.

_Knock. Knock. _"Bella, I'm going to come in, alright?"

"Come in, dad," I finally spoke. It was the first time I had spoken in...forever. I was just not aware of how much time that I'd lost.

The door gentle opened and I saw Charlie frown as he fully opened the door. He sighed. "Are you going to be okay? I'm going down to the station in a bit for work, but if you want me that would no problem, Bells."

I shook my head, shrugging. "I can take care of myself, dad. Please, just, don't worry. There are people around I can ask for help. It's okay."

I studied his face and clearly he was unconvinced. "But Bells, knowing you....well....you aren't one to keep a....steady balance, you know? You are a klutz like your mom."

I didn't bother to laugh I only tried to grin, but it was a poor attempt on my part.

"Please, just call me, call anyone around," he said. "But are you sure?"

I nodded. "I'm fine, dad. Please, just go to work."

I crossed my arms across my chest as he walked over and simply patted my shoulder. "Please be safe. I wouldn't want to come home seeing you at the bottom of the stairs with a broken ankle or some other unfortunate accident. Okay?"

"Yeah," I answered, lifeless.

He turned his back, walking out the room. It would seem he was already late for work as it was. I noticed the time. He was just about late by half an hour. I sighed heavily, grabbing whatever I could to dress and just about running out from my room.

The warm shower didn't do any good. Water just kept on hitting my face, my body, and I remembered the cold little droplets on my face those few months ago when it was just all over, when I laid on the wet ground just in total shock over what happened. I was just about down when I took notice of the brunette in the mirror. She was just pale as a ghost, her eyes tired and red, dark bags under her eyes were a clear indication she had not slept, and so I would just convince myself more of the fact that I was just not good enough in appearance, in talent, in just about anything compared to Edward. He was just so perfect and I was just....the complete opposite. How on earth he managed to stay with me no longer than we already had been together will just and unfortunately be a mystery.

To some sense I was just telling myself he didn't love me, the other part of me just wanted so much to believe we did actually have something there. Well, he was gone, and that killed me to say such a thing. There was supposed to be an 'us' in my mind. Day by day I just wanted to scream out and throw tantrums for no reason in the middle of the night. But I was weak now, wasting all my time and energy in that room. If anything during the best of some days, I would just walk around the house, go to the kitchen and just make myself a meal for me and Charlie. And through my worst of days, I could barely stand to even eat, to barely sleep at night, to barely even breath. The pain would just never go away. It was almost as though death would have been any better than this.

But I couldn't be stupid and selfish to leave Charlie and Renee alone, their only child. I had friends, but just yet still, it was just hard enough to constantly live each day without thinking one moment of the past. I needed some fresh air, I needed to get out. But what use would that do? Just somewhere on this earth, hopefully he was there. Just somewhere on this earth, he was happier than I was. Just somewhere, just somewhere, he was still alive. That was all I hoped for, nothing more, nothing less. And even when my life was at the lowest of the low, I just hoped so badly that in some way he will come back to me, well, at least I could still hope. Maybe I haven't given up on all hope, but I was just so afraid of being alone as well and even when everyone would just give me the time and space for it, no one would ever try and tell me the things I wanted to hear.....they were just not the words I wanted to hear coming out from Edward.

It would haunt me to even stand in the doorway of the kitchen, staring down at my father's chair that Edward had once sit on, the same night he actually stayed the night with me. Clearly, the echoes of my footsteps were just about clear that no one was home or just maybe there was just too much empty space, ironically, there just was too much empty space in this world without the Cullens. It would just never be the same.

When I was done eating whatever much I could, I began washing the bowl and just stared at the kitchen knife that accidentally got knocked over into the sink. Some part of me thought recklessly. How I could only envy those few many that could puck up the courage and just not suffer any more on this cold, cold world. But I was nothing but a coward, but yet still, I just couldn't see myself contemplating suicide. The slice of the knife, the stab of the knife.....I....couldn't do it. The rushing blood that would escape out of this delicate little body that so much couldn't bear to withstand any more pain, the thought of not being successful.... I...wasn't so sure if I honestly just could, but.....

I reached over into the sink and grasped it in my hand. I stared at myself, the pale girl that just stared back at me. I was just lost in the shape of the knife and how it was just the one thing that can keep me from this wretched ache.

"Stop, Bella," a voice ordered when I wasn't just aware that I held it too close to my chest.

I dropped it on the floor, spinning around as though he had spoken those words over my shoulder. But no such thing. No one was there. This was just one incident that would otherwise prove, maybe I've gone and lost my mind.

When I was forced with no choice to go out and head for school, everyone in school just stared at me as though it was the first day of school all over again. At lunch, I couldn't just bear to look up Jessica, Mike, Tyler, or Angel. Everyone pitied me, feeling sorry for me as though it was a death in the family, but it was not within my family, it was deep within my heart.

"I told you that Cullen guy wasn't worth it," Mike commented, almost sounding sly. "I told you, you should have just stayed away from him."

"Shut up, Mike," Jessica growled. "Bella is going through a bad time and she shouldn't have to hear any more of your crap to put her even more down as she already is."

"Sorry, Bella," I heard him apologize.

"Well, if you want, we can all go out Saturday to the movies, Bella," Angela suggested. "Some fresh air will help you and maybe we can run into some cute guys."

I looked over at her quickly, desperately. "No, Angela. I don't....I don't care for cute guys. Please, if you are going to try and hook me up with some random stranger than you should just forget about it, alright. Please."

I could sense the stillness in the atmosphere after I spoke. It had been a while and I had spoken more than I had in months. It may have just surprised them.

"She's trying to help," Tyler stated. "We all are but you keep pushing us away."

I got up from my seat. "I got to get to class."

"But―" Jessica began, but I was just too fast and I left the table as fast as I could.

It was hard enough to sit through my classes, especially when it came to Biology. When I was asked a question, I would just not answer. I was far too frozen in my seat, sitting next to Mike who was now occupying Edward's seat. My life would just be like forever, I told myself. If anything, I only wondered where he was right now. I just wanted so much to be so sure that he was safe. If I had to die tomorrow, the least was that I knew he was okay and after, well, that would just be in God's hands from there.


End file.
